The American Cockroach

While I was in college, I didn't really have to deal with bugs. Oh, sure, we had ants, but they're not really a big deal; just clean up after yourself and they'll realize that your dorm isn't a good place to score food. Even if they do come around, squish one under your thumb and the others'll soon realize that sticking around isn't the best idea.

Since I've come home, however, I've been dealing with, for me, the absolute worst kind of bug: the American cockroach, sometimes known as the palmetto bug. "Palmetto bug" is kind of a pretty name, though, so I'll be referring to them as cockroaches or roaches for the remainder of this review; we don't pull any punches here at Reviews of Everything Ever.

So, as I was saying, I've come home to a sort of cockroach infestation. Since my first night back, I have seen something like six or seven roaches and killed three or four of them. The exterminator came, only to inform us that, though the poison he'd used will be killing the roaches slowly, they'll be "crawling up the walls" trying to escape. Lovely. My most recent cockroach encounter, however, did not involve any sort of wall-crawling, fortunately. It was hardly an hour ago, in the bathroom. The thing scuttled beneath the sink and I haven't looked for it since.

What, you might ask, is my problem with cockroaches? Well, I have a few of them, actually. One is quite simply that they're not supposed to be in my house. It's almost a territorial instinct, left over from some evolutionary tract: this is my space, and you, Mr. Cockroach, are invading it. And I realize that there are plenty of other things, especially in a Florida house, that can wind up intruding: lizards, spiders, and what have you. The problem with roaches is that they're so much bigger than those other things. According to Wikipedia (which, I know, isn't a scholarly resource, but I'm not in school anymore), they can "grow to a length of 1" to [one and a half inches]." And they seem so wide, too, thanks to their broad exoskeleton and wings. I bet a lizard could fit inside the space a roach occupies just fine.

Another problem I have with them is that they're here to take my stuff. Eating my food, taking shelter in my house, drinking my water, using my space to store their eggs (oh, by the way, a female roach can have up to freaking 150 baby roaches!), et cetera. I like to think that, when it comes to a lot of other animal 'intruders', they're just kinda here by accident, and would rather be outside, given the chance. Not the roach. They're here to stay, since they're apparently incapable of building their own little shelter to keep warm in.

Yet another reason why I don't like roaches is that they don't really do anything other than hang around in peoples' houses. Unless I'm mistaken, the American cockroach doesn't really have any natural predators (other than my dog, who has eaten one or two on occasion, which is disgusting but whatever) so they don't contribute to the food chain, and the females don't pollinate or anything. So the most that could be said for them is that they contribute to the world's biodiversity, but why do they have to be so invasive while they do it?

Finally, they're just really creepy. I can't even pinpoint exactly what it is about roaches that makes them so wierd. All I know is that my mind starts setting off alarm bells as soon as I see one of the things. Maybe it's because their movement speed seems disproportionate to their size. Maybe it's because their black coloration and the almost mechanical way their legs work makes them seem soulless and robotic. Maybe it's the antennae. Who knows? In the end, they're just something that I want to get away from as soon as I get a glimpse of them. And I've been getting far too many glimpses lately.

The Rundown
Attractiveness: 0/10. Eww! Eww! Get the heck away from me!
Usefulness: 0/10. They eat my food, they stay at my house... They're like uninvited relatives, except really creepy and annoying!
Fun: 0/10. I personally cannot imagine any situation involving a cockroach being labeled "fun."
Respect for My Privacy: 0/10. My bathroom?! Are you serious?
Overall: 0/10. Well, I guess Windows Vista's customer service will be glad something scored lower than they did.

EDIT: By the way, the picture is public domain, hence the lack of legal jargon on the side.