Mamma Mia!

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Until just a few hours ago, I'd had a very good day. They do these cool boat tours up in Sarasota (I say 'up' because I'm in Venice, south of Tampa, for the summer, rather than in college) where you get to see all kinds of bay area animals; dolphins, birds, fish and the like. It really made me appreciate Florida, since I often take living here for granted. It can be a fun state sometimes.

After that, I went to my aunt's condo and had pizza; Dominoes is hardly Claudio's or Ray's, but they're probably the best national pizza franchise at the very least. So that was good too.

Then, I saw Mamma Mia! (the movie) and my good day was ruined.

I'm not actually sure why I went to see it. I saw the touring production a few years ago and it was horrible. Maybe I was expecting this to be better? Maybe I just like seeing movies, and figured it couldn't be so bad that I wouldn't have a good time? Maybe I just missed Pierce Brosnan, since he isn't James Bond anymore?

In the end, who knows. The only thing I know for certain is that this is one of the worst pieces of trash to grace the silver screen in a very, very long time, and might be one of the worst movies in the history of cinema. (Think of it this way: I haven't reviewed something in how long? Months? This movie was so bad that I want to rip it to shreds more than I want to talk about the joys of New York City.)

I can't really pin the failure on any one thing because there was something wrong with everything. The casting, for instance was very strange. Meryl Streep, as my mother pointed out after the movie was over, is about twenty years too old for the part she played. Pierce Brosnan is a cool guy and a great actor, but he can't really sing, and it was painful to watch him try. I didn't care about Amanda Seyfried's Sophie (of course the part is quite shallow to begin with, so that's not entirely her fault). Everyone else was either just having fun or collecting a paycheck, but in the end, no one was truly emotionally invested in the film. Then again, the script is so terrible that I doubt anyone could be.

Ah, yes, the script. Of all the possible stories to weave around ABBA's numerous songs, why this one? The entirely depthless, Cinderella plot details valley girl wanna-be Sophie's quest to find out who her father is before her wedding to cliche'd dream-guy Sky (Dominic Cooper); her choices include Sam (Brosnan) and his comic-foil sidekicks Harry (Colin Firth) and Bill (Stellan Skarsgård). The incredibly predictable plot surpasses the so-bad-it's-good mark and just becomes bad all over again, which wouldn't be such a terrible thing if the cast (see above) had been, um, good.

The failings of this film, however, go far beyond the actors and the writing. Actually, my biggest issue was with Haris Zambarloukos' cinematography. I got more seasick watching Mamma Mia! than I did on the aforementioned boat tour. It seemed that every shot involved the camera spinning around, panning over, or doing some other incredibly distracting thing. Don't get me wrong-- Greece is a very beautiful place, but seeing it through Zambarloukos' vision was like watching it through the eyes of a stumbling drunkard.

Speaking of being drunk, the editors were on something when they were putting the movie together. The sloppy editing was a constant distraction, as if the camerwork and bad casting weren't distracting enough.

All right. Y'know what? I'm done with this. I don't have any more time to waste on this film. I'm gonna go do something more fun than think back on Mamma Mia!, like read the dictionary or paint my room with a toothbrush or something.

The Rundown
Cast: 1/10. There was one member of the ensemble who I thought was really funny. That was it.
Script: 0/10. It might've been of acceptable quality for, say, a Barbie direct-to-DVD film, but I can't imagine any other situation where that script would be considered good.
Cinematography: 0/10. Please, stop moving the camera! Just stop it!
Editing: 0/10. These guys didn't even care. Why should I?
Overall: .25/10. You probably won't even like it if you're an ABBA fan.