News and a plea for help.

Two things:

1. You may have noticed that there is now a music playlist on the right-hand side of the site. It features a good deal of the music I like and currently listen to. Feel free to pause it if you want, but it really is good music for the most part. I made it using Deezer, which is a very cool music-streaming website.
   
2. I am rapidly losing motivation when it comes to coming up with topics to review on my own, hence the site being barren for the entire month of September. So, to the three or so people who read my blog: shoot me an e-mail at the address on the right with something-- anything-- to review, and I'll do it if I can. (I probably can.)

Thanks!

Final Fantasy IV DS

The usual disclaimer applies; if Square-Enix or any of its affiliates feel that my usage of this picture of FFIVDS's box art is in violation of their copywright or any other rights, they can feel free to contact me with a cease and desist notification, which I will immediately comply with.

I haven't done a video game review in quite some time. Or at least what feels like quite some time; God of War: Chains of Olympus certainly seems ages ago. Regardless, here's my review of a fairly new game, and one for the DS rather than the PSP: Final Fantasy IV.

As my reader(s) who know the history of the Final Fantasy franchise at all will be aware of, this is actually, unless I'm mistaken, the fourth version of Final Fantasy IV to be released Stateside. Originally billed as Final Fantasy II due to Square-Enix's decision not to release the actual Final Fantasy II or III outside of Japan, IV also saw Playstation and Game Boy Advance releases, with the GBA version adding extra features.

FFIVDS, on the other hand, is a fully-fledged, from-the-ground-up remake of the classic game, and is, in my opinion, easily the best version released so far, and while it might not be the best game that has been released on the DS, it's still probably the best RPG, a solid game with enough content and replay value to keep you busy for, well, probably more hours than you should be investing in a video game. (Then again, I've no room to talk-- my Monster Hunter Freedom 2 save file is approaching 200 hours. I am simultaneously proud and ashamed of this.)

Plotwise, the game is fairly similar to its previous itenerations. You take on the role of the dark knight Cecil, disgraced captain of the Red Wings, the airship fleet of the kingdom of Baron. The king, whose usual, peaceful ambitions have suddenly become greedy and heartless, has been sending Cecil out to bomb the world's other kingdoms and steal their elemental crystals. When Cecil finally confronts the king, he's demoted and sent out of Baron to deliver a package to a nearby town with his friend and companion, the dragoon Kain. What follows is an epic quest spanning multiple continents, which follows Cecil and his companions as they attempt to save their world from an increasingly-growing threat.

It's stated on Wikipedia that over 75% of the game's original script was left out of the SNES outing, and much of the script, including several new scenes, has been added in for the DS version. While the new bits of plot will certainly have series fans drooling, I daresay most will find that the game's story hasn't aged well. While I certainly didn't have trouble following the game's plot, I've always thought of FFIV as being one of the less exciting games in terms of what actually happens during the story, especially when compared with many of the Playstation Final Fantasy titles.

Fortunately, however, the development team has added plenty of things to keep the player motivated. My personal favorite, in terms of new additions, is the dungeon map system. Essentially, the bottom screen is used to display a map of wherever you are, and in the case of dungeons and caves, the map starts off blank. As you travel through it, it fills itself in, and once you've filled it in completely, you get a reward-- usually five of a recovery item, like potions or phoenix downs, though occasionally weapons or armor are also handed out. In previous versions of Final Fantasy IV, dungeon crawling was always a morale-draining, unmotivating experience, but the map system really helps me in that regard; not only do I now have a goal in each room, but I also know where the heck I'm going.

Another new feature is the augment system. Augments are essentially abilities that can be taught to the party member of your choice (think TMs and HMs from the Pokemon series). If one of your companions leaves your party, you're given a varying number of their augments, depending on how many you gave them, up to three. While I like the new system because I feel that it adds strategy and depth to a combat system that otherwise isn't as sophisticated as many of the systems featured in the game's sequels, I find that I'm often unwilling to teach certain abilities to certain characters for two reasons: if it's an ability I really like, I don't want to lose it; and I generally have no idea what abilities I'm going to get in return for teaching one of my departing party members a new ability.

A nice, aesthetic touch are the new, voice-acted cutscenes. The voice actors are actually pretty okay; they're not exactly incredible but they're certainly better than plenty of other RPG casts, and the cutscenes themselves definitely make the plot more interesting. Speaking also in terms of sound, the sound effects and music are both quite good; the effects are reminiscent of the SNES version but still updated in their own right, and the music, composed by series regular Nobuo Uematsu, is a showcase of some of his most memorable work.

Graphically, the game is very similar to the DS remake of Final Fantasy III, which makes sense because it's been done by the same development team using (I believe) the same engine. This is both a good and bad thing: while the graphics are well-done, they're also quite simple, and might be a turn-off to someone expecting, say, the incredible attention to detail of a Castlevania title, or the raw graphical prowess of a PSP game.

While I'm conflicted about some of the new things about IV DS, they did build the game on a solid, well-crafted skeleton. FFIV is a beloved title in the Final Fantasy series for a reason, and the game will certainly be enjoyed by old hats and newcomers alike.

The Rundown
Plot: 6/10. The new cutscenes and voice acting really help breathe life into the otherwise-dry story.
Gameplay: 9/10. The simple battle system is helped along with some new features and a few changes.
Graphics: 8/10. Simplistic, but well-done. I like the new character designs.
Sound: 10/10. Sound effects are updated but still pleasingly retro, and Uematsu's score is as good now as it's ever been.
Overall: 8.25/10. A solid, entertaining DS outing that will appeal to both casual and hardcore gamers, FFIVDS shouldn't be missed.

Mamma Mia!

Image obtained from IceTheSite.com without permission; any cease and desist orders should be forwarded to me via e-mail. My address is listed on this page, and I will immediately comply with any legitimate orders to remove the image from this page.

Until just a few hours ago, I'd had a very good day. They do these cool boat tours up in Sarasota (I say 'up' because I'm in Venice, south of Tampa, for the summer, rather than in college) where you get to see all kinds of bay area animals; dolphins, birds, fish and the like. It really made me appreciate Florida, since I often take living here for granted. It can be a fun state sometimes.

After that, I went to my aunt's condo and had pizza; Dominoes is hardly Claudio's or Ray's, but they're probably the best national pizza franchise at the very least. So that was good too.

Then, I saw Mamma Mia! (the movie) and my good day was ruined.

I'm not actually sure why I went to see it. I saw the touring production a few years ago and it was horrible. Maybe I was expecting this to be better? Maybe I just like seeing movies, and figured it couldn't be so bad that I wouldn't have a good time? Maybe I just missed Pierce Brosnan, since he isn't James Bond anymore?

In the end, who knows. The only thing I know for certain is that this is one of the worst pieces of trash to grace the silver screen in a very, very long time, and might be one of the worst movies in the history of cinema. (Think of it this way: I haven't reviewed something in how long? Months? This movie was so bad that I want to rip it to shreds more than I want to talk about the joys of New York City.)

I can't really pin the failure on any one thing because there was something wrong with everything. The casting, for instance was very strange. Meryl Streep, as my mother pointed out after the movie was over, is about twenty years too old for the part she played. Pierce Brosnan is a cool guy and a great actor, but he can't really sing, and it was painful to watch him try. I didn't care about Amanda Seyfried's Sophie (of course the part is quite shallow to begin with, so that's not entirely her fault). Everyone else was either just having fun or collecting a paycheck, but in the end, no one was truly emotionally invested in the film. Then again, the script is so terrible that I doubt anyone could be.

Ah, yes, the script. Of all the possible stories to weave around ABBA's numerous songs, why this one? The entirely depthless, Cinderella plot details valley girl wanna-be Sophie's quest to find out who her father is before her wedding to cliche'd dream-guy Sky (Dominic Cooper); her choices include Sam (Brosnan) and his comic-foil sidekicks Harry (Colin Firth) and Bill (Stellan Skarsgård). The incredibly predictable plot surpasses the so-bad-it's-good mark and just becomes bad all over again, which wouldn't be such a terrible thing if the cast (see above) had been, um, good.

The failings of this film, however, go far beyond the actors and the writing. Actually, my biggest issue was with Haris Zambarloukos' cinematography. I got more seasick watching Mamma Mia! than I did on the aforementioned boat tour. It seemed that every shot involved the camera spinning around, panning over, or doing some other incredibly distracting thing. Don't get me wrong-- Greece is a very beautiful place, but seeing it through Zambarloukos' vision was like watching it through the eyes of a stumbling drunkard.

Speaking of being drunk, the editors were on something when they were putting the movie together. The sloppy editing was a constant distraction, as if the camerwork and bad casting weren't distracting enough.

All right. Y'know what? I'm done with this. I don't have any more time to waste on this film. I'm gonna go do something more fun than think back on Mamma Mia!, like read the dictionary or paint my room with a toothbrush or something.

The Rundown
Cast: 1/10. There was one member of the ensemble who I thought was really funny. That was it.
Script: 0/10. It might've been of acceptable quality for, say, a Barbie direct-to-DVD film, but I can't imagine any other situation where that script would be considered good.
Cinematography: 0/10. Please, stop moving the camera! Just stop it!
Editing: 0/10. These guys didn't even care. Why should I?
Overall: .25/10. You probably won't even like it if you're an ABBA fan.

No review (sorry), but good news.

First of all, I'd like to apologize for my lack of activity. While I'm sure you five or six people that keep up with my blog are voraciously awaiting my next post, I'm afraid that I simply won't have the time to post anything until probably around the 23rd. I've taken a trip up north to New York City and Pennsylvania to go to my cousin's high school graduation (and eat lots of amazing food, and see a few Broadway shows, et cetera) so this is a rare moment for me, being on the computer like this.

What's the good news, you might ask? Well, this trip is giving me plenty of fodder for various reviews, since you guys don't really suggest anything too much. I've already been to the Met, seen Young Frankentstein, and I have two more shows lined up in addition to, I'm sure, several restaurants I'll be dining at as well. You can also expect a review of Delta Airlines, and, potentially, Penn Station's NY-Trenton line if I really start running out of stuff.

So, that's it for now. Check back during the week of the 23rd!

The Literary Works of Socialist Dolphins, and the Political Affiliations of Sea Creatures

Modified from an image posted on http://www.hitech-dolphin.com/image-files/dolphin-ocean-picture.jpg. Used without permission; any cease and desist orders or other similar legal papers should be forwarded to thebigniceguy@live.com. I will read and comply with any such e-mails.

This is a Review Request; trust me, I could not make this up. Thanks, Caleb!

I have a certain routine as I go about my day. I wake up (progressively later and later, but that's neither here nor there), brush my teeth, head out to the kitchen, pour myself some cereal and orange juice (today it was ginger ale; what can I say, I was feeling adventurous), and then check the news and my e-mail.

I've done all that today, and it went rather well. Or at least it did until I checked my e-mail, and I got the message that has led to this very review request. I'd put it up here for your enjoyment, but the Blogger.com post editor seems to have trouble with copying and pasting text today, so whatever.

To make a long story short, today I've been tasked with reviewing the literary works of Socialist dolphins, and to write a segment on the political affiliations of sea creatures.

Literature has long been a passion of mine, and as such, I was rather suprised to discover that there was an entire subsection of literature that I had never even heard of before. I figured I'd Google "the literary works of socialist dolphins" and see what came up. Here are the top five results:

• "THE LIBERAL MANIFESTO; ITS CONTENTS DISSAPOINTING TO THE WHIGS. THE EGYPTIAN BLUNDER ACKNOWLEDGED-- JUSTICE TO IRELAND BUT NOT DISUNION-- STEAMERS IN COLLISION." An article in the New York Times, and yes, that whole thing was capitalized. I still don't know what it means.
• "Great God Pan: The Western Reader Archives. Read all about some of my favorite West Coast Books, an undiscovered cournicopia of dolphins, gold miners, weed dealers, pirates and elves..." Sounds maybe interesting, but not particularly political or anti-shark.
• "An Elementary School Classroom in a Slum... Her books of poetry include Poems of Dedication (1946), The Edge of Being (1949), The Generous Days (1969), and Dolphins (1994)..." I got quite enough poetry in my Intro to Literature class, thanks.
• "For an English Republic: Worlds [sic] tallest man saves dolphins." British politics are apparently much more interesting than American politics, if some of these headlines are any indication.
• "JSTOR: The Place of 'Martin Salander' in Gottfried Keller's Evolution as a Prose Writer." Apparently you have to pay to read the rest of this article. Not that I really have any desire to.

Okay, so that didn't really work out. But what about the political affiliations of sea creatures? Well, as it turns out, Google didn't do much for me there either. I got a lot of links to how we can help save sea creatures by writing to our local congressmen but not much else. So here's what I think various sea creatures' political affiliations would be (and yes, I love bullet point lists):

• Dolphins: I've always figured that they'd be the sort of hippieish, free spirits of the oceans. They just want to have fun, maaaaan. They don't want the man puttin' them down, y'know?
• Sharks: If dolphin sentiment is alledgedly anti-shark (as I've learned from the e-mail Caleb sent me), then I suppose sharks would represent the more conservative side of things. They're for the war (if the undersea creatures are having one) and can't possibly play around like those stupid dolphins do when there's hunting to be done.
• Fish: These guys have got to be the moderates. They're eaten by both dolphins and sharks in the same way that moderates generally vote either one way or the other. I can't really think of fish as having a strong opinion, anyway.
• Octopi: The corrupted politicians of the ocean. They talk out of both sides of their wierd beak thing, and each of their eight tentacles is stuck in a different pie, so to speak. Though I guess it wouldn't be 'pie' in the ocean. What do octopi eat for desert?
• Walruses: The protestors. They park themselves in one place and don't move until they get what they want, whether it be more fish, less polar bears, or more representation in Undersea Parliment.

So, thanks again, Caleb, for this most interesting Review Request. Now, how on Earth am I gonna score this one...

The Rundown
UNSCOREABLE. I literally made most of that up just now. I can't give it a score. It was really fun to write, though.

The American Cockroach

While I was in college, I didn't really have to deal with bugs. Oh, sure, we had ants, but they're not really a big deal; just clean up after yourself and they'll realize that your dorm isn't a good place to score food. Even if they do come around, squish one under your thumb and the others'll soon realize that sticking around isn't the best idea.

Since I've come home, however, I've been dealing with, for me, the absolute worst kind of bug: the American cockroach, sometimes known as the palmetto bug. "Palmetto bug" is kind of a pretty name, though, so I'll be referring to them as cockroaches or roaches for the remainder of this review; we don't pull any punches here at Reviews of Everything Ever.

So, as I was saying, I've come home to a sort of cockroach infestation. Since my first night back, I have seen something like six or seven roaches and killed three or four of them. The exterminator came, only to inform us that, though the poison he'd used will be killing the roaches slowly, they'll be "crawling up the walls" trying to escape. Lovely. My most recent cockroach encounter, however, did not involve any sort of wall-crawling, fortunately. It was hardly an hour ago, in the bathroom. The thing scuttled beneath the sink and I haven't looked for it since.

What, you might ask, is my problem with cockroaches? Well, I have a few of them, actually. One is quite simply that they're not supposed to be in my house. It's almost a territorial instinct, left over from some evolutionary tract: this is my space, and you, Mr. Cockroach, are invading it. And I realize that there are plenty of other things, especially in a Florida house, that can wind up intruding: lizards, spiders, and what have you. The problem with roaches is that they're so much bigger than those other things. According to Wikipedia (which, I know, isn't a scholarly resource, but I'm not in school anymore), they can "grow to a length of 1" to [one and a half inches]." And they seem so wide, too, thanks to their broad exoskeleton and wings. I bet a lizard could fit inside the space a roach occupies just fine.

Another problem I have with them is that they're here to take my stuff. Eating my food, taking shelter in my house, drinking my water, using my space to store their eggs (oh, by the way, a female roach can have up to freaking 150 baby roaches!), et cetera. I like to think that, when it comes to a lot of other animal 'intruders', they're just kinda here by accident, and would rather be outside, given the chance. Not the roach. They're here to stay, since they're apparently incapable of building their own little shelter to keep warm in.

Yet another reason why I don't like roaches is that they don't really do anything other than hang around in peoples' houses. Unless I'm mistaken, the American cockroach doesn't really have any natural predators (other than my dog, who has eaten one or two on occasion, which is disgusting but whatever) so they don't contribute to the food chain, and the females don't pollinate or anything. So the most that could be said for them is that they contribute to the world's biodiversity, but why do they have to be so invasive while they do it?

Finally, they're just really creepy. I can't even pinpoint exactly what it is about roaches that makes them so wierd. All I know is that my mind starts setting off alarm bells as soon as I see one of the things. Maybe it's because their movement speed seems disproportionate to their size. Maybe it's because their black coloration and the almost mechanical way their legs work makes them seem soulless and robotic. Maybe it's the antennae. Who knows? In the end, they're just something that I want to get away from as soon as I get a glimpse of them. And I've been getting far too many glimpses lately.

The Rundown
Attractiveness: 0/10. Eww! Eww! Get the heck away from me!
Usefulness: 0/10. They eat my food, they stay at my house... They're like uninvited relatives, except really creepy and annoying!
Fun: 0/10. I personally cannot imagine any situation involving a cockroach being labeled "fun."
Respect for My Privacy: 0/10. My bathroom?! Are you serious?
Overall: 0/10. Well, I guess Windows Vista's customer service will be glad something scored lower than they did.

EDIT: By the way, the picture is public domain, hence the lack of legal jargon on the side.

The Samsung Blackjack

The sleek, highly-functional Samsung Blackjack. Mine looks quite like this, but it's red. Image obtained from CellPhoneDigest.net. Used without permission; any cease and desist orders or other legal requests should be forwarded to thebigniceguy@live.com. I will immediately respond to and comply with any such e-mails.

Before I begin my review, I would first like to apologize for missing the past three (four?) weeks of updates. Today is the last day of finals week here at USF, and I've been quite busy. As much as I love writing this blog, it does take a backseat to my academics.

Another thing I'd like to note is that my birthday was two days ago, and I am now nineteen. I tell you this not in the hopes of recieving any birthday accolades or gifts (believe me, I got enough Facebook birthday wall posts to last me for several years), but instead to say that for my nineteenth birthday, I recieved the very phone you see in the picture above this text-- unless you are blind; if that is the case, then I am very sorry because it's quite a good picture. This phone is called the Samsung Blackjack.

I suppose I should let you, the reader, know that my fascination with this phone comes partially from the fact that my past cell phone purchases have not exactly been all that flashy or recent. My last phone was a RAZR, and by that I mean the very first kind, and I can't even remember the model before that except to say that it didn't do much aside from call people. Which I'm perfectly fine with-- as a matter of fact, I used to scoff at people who bought phones very similar to the one I use now.

That, of course, was before I got mine. Now I simply can't stop messing with the thing-- it's almost like a miniature computer, complete with a Windows-based menu screen. (It even has a "Start" button like the one on the bottom-left of your desktop, unless you use a Mac or a Linux variant, in which case I am very sorry once again. If you are blind and you own a Mac, then I am very, very sorry.) Features on my Blackjack include cell phone standards such as text messaging and caller ID, but there are a number of features that I decidedly did not have on my RAZR:

• A calendar and a planner, that can remind me of appointments I've made.
• ActiveSync, which can "synchronize [my] device with a desktop computer," whatever that means; I haven't tested that out yet.
• The ability to access my e-mails and instant message people with AOL Instant Messenger, Windows Live Messenger, or Y! Messenger.
• A notepad.
• A task list which allows me to make note of things I need to do, and check them off when I've done them.
• A "smart converter," which can convert currency; length, weight, volume, and area measurements; and temperature.
• A world clock, which tells me what time it is all over the world.
• A suprisingly fast internet browser.
• A 2.0 megapixel camera, which is an upgrade from my RAZR though I'm not sure by how much.
• A PDF viewer.
• An RSS reader.

I could continue this list for several pages, but that would be a waste of both my and your time. Suffice it to say that the Blackjack has tons of useful features, and even the less-than-useful ones are still fun to mess around with.

The Blackjack also comes with a number of customization options, to make your phone feel a little more distinct. There are plenty of themes, wallpapers (of course, you can use any picture you've taken as a wallpaper in addition to the standard ones), and ringtones that come with the phone, and there's always the option to purchase new ones. If you get tired of what Samsung has to offer, you can also download themes and ringtones onto your phone from your computer, since the Blackjack can link up to any computer via USB.

Are there downsides to this awesome, awesome phone? Well, yes. For instance, while there's plenty of space to store songs on the phone, any ringtone can't be more than 300KB in size. Apparently the Blackjack is unable to simply select a 300KB portion of whatever song it is you want, though it shouldn't even have to do this, since the whole song is already on the phone anyway. Having to push three buttons to unlock the phone is also a little cumbersome, as is the fact that you have to hold down the lock button for several seconds before the phone will actually lock.

In the end, however, these minor nuances barely detract from the experience as a whole. Get a Blackjack if you can. It makes having a cell phone exciting again.

The Rundown
Style: 10/10. I'd get this phone again even if it were ugly; fortunately, however, it's very sleek and stylish.
Functionality: 10/10. Everything works just fine; the clarity I get with the camera is particularly impressive.
Ease of Use: 9/10. Unlocking and ringtone-setting are annoying; everything else is wonderful.
Extra Features: 10/10. Soooo many extra features...
Overall: 9.75/10. This phone makes even me want to organize and plan out my life. Impressive.

EDIT: As it turns out, I have a Samsung Blackjack II, so treat this post as a review of the Blackjack II, not the Blackjack.