News and a plea for help.

Two things:

1. You may have noticed that there is now a music playlist on the right-hand side of the site. It features a good deal of the music I like and currently listen to. Feel free to pause it if you want, but it really is good music for the most part. I made it using Deezer, which is a very cool music-streaming website.
   
2. I am rapidly losing motivation when it comes to coming up with topics to review on my own, hence the site being barren for the entire month of September. So, to the three or so people who read my blog: shoot me an e-mail at the address on the right with something-- anything-- to review, and I'll do it if I can. (I probably can.)

Thanks!

Final Fantasy IV DS

The usual disclaimer applies; if Square-Enix or any of its affiliates feel that my usage of this picture of FFIVDS's box art is in violation of their copywright or any other rights, they can feel free to contact me with a cease and desist notification, which I will immediately comply with.

I haven't done a video game review in quite some time. Or at least what feels like quite some time; God of War: Chains of Olympus certainly seems ages ago. Regardless, here's my review of a fairly new game, and one for the DS rather than the PSP: Final Fantasy IV.

As my reader(s) who know the history of the Final Fantasy franchise at all will be aware of, this is actually, unless I'm mistaken, the fourth version of Final Fantasy IV to be released Stateside. Originally billed as Final Fantasy II due to Square-Enix's decision not to release the actual Final Fantasy II or III outside of Japan, IV also saw Playstation and Game Boy Advance releases, with the GBA version adding extra features.

FFIVDS, on the other hand, is a fully-fledged, from-the-ground-up remake of the classic game, and is, in my opinion, easily the best version released so far, and while it might not be the best game that has been released on the DS, it's still probably the best RPG, a solid game with enough content and replay value to keep you busy for, well, probably more hours than you should be investing in a video game. (Then again, I've no room to talk-- my Monster Hunter Freedom 2 save file is approaching 200 hours. I am simultaneously proud and ashamed of this.)

Plotwise, the game is fairly similar to its previous itenerations. You take on the role of the dark knight Cecil, disgraced captain of the Red Wings, the airship fleet of the kingdom of Baron. The king, whose usual, peaceful ambitions have suddenly become greedy and heartless, has been sending Cecil out to bomb the world's other kingdoms and steal their elemental crystals. When Cecil finally confronts the king, he's demoted and sent out of Baron to deliver a package to a nearby town with his friend and companion, the dragoon Kain. What follows is an epic quest spanning multiple continents, which follows Cecil and his companions as they attempt to save their world from an increasingly-growing threat.

It's stated on Wikipedia that over 75% of the game's original script was left out of the SNES outing, and much of the script, including several new scenes, has been added in for the DS version. While the new bits of plot will certainly have series fans drooling, I daresay most will find that the game's story hasn't aged well. While I certainly didn't have trouble following the game's plot, I've always thought of FFIV as being one of the less exciting games in terms of what actually happens during the story, especially when compared with many of the Playstation Final Fantasy titles.

Fortunately, however, the development team has added plenty of things to keep the player motivated. My personal favorite, in terms of new additions, is the dungeon map system. Essentially, the bottom screen is used to display a map of wherever you are, and in the case of dungeons and caves, the map starts off blank. As you travel through it, it fills itself in, and once you've filled it in completely, you get a reward-- usually five of a recovery item, like potions or phoenix downs, though occasionally weapons or armor are also handed out. In previous versions of Final Fantasy IV, dungeon crawling was always a morale-draining, unmotivating experience, but the map system really helps me in that regard; not only do I now have a goal in each room, but I also know where the heck I'm going.

Another new feature is the augment system. Augments are essentially abilities that can be taught to the party member of your choice (think TMs and HMs from the Pokemon series). If one of your companions leaves your party, you're given a varying number of their augments, depending on how many you gave them, up to three. While I like the new system because I feel that it adds strategy and depth to a combat system that otherwise isn't as sophisticated as many of the systems featured in the game's sequels, I find that I'm often unwilling to teach certain abilities to certain characters for two reasons: if it's an ability I really like, I don't want to lose it; and I generally have no idea what abilities I'm going to get in return for teaching one of my departing party members a new ability.

A nice, aesthetic touch are the new, voice-acted cutscenes. The voice actors are actually pretty okay; they're not exactly incredible but they're certainly better than plenty of other RPG casts, and the cutscenes themselves definitely make the plot more interesting. Speaking also in terms of sound, the sound effects and music are both quite good; the effects are reminiscent of the SNES version but still updated in their own right, and the music, composed by series regular Nobuo Uematsu, is a showcase of some of his most memorable work.

Graphically, the game is very similar to the DS remake of Final Fantasy III, which makes sense because it's been done by the same development team using (I believe) the same engine. This is both a good and bad thing: while the graphics are well-done, they're also quite simple, and might be a turn-off to someone expecting, say, the incredible attention to detail of a Castlevania title, or the raw graphical prowess of a PSP game.

While I'm conflicted about some of the new things about IV DS, they did build the game on a solid, well-crafted skeleton. FFIV is a beloved title in the Final Fantasy series for a reason, and the game will certainly be enjoyed by old hats and newcomers alike.

The Rundown
Plot: 6/10. The new cutscenes and voice acting really help breathe life into the otherwise-dry story.
Gameplay: 9/10. The simple battle system is helped along with some new features and a few changes.
Graphics: 8/10. Simplistic, but well-done. I like the new character designs.
Sound: 10/10. Sound effects are updated but still pleasingly retro, and Uematsu's score is as good now as it's ever been.
Overall: 8.25/10. A solid, entertaining DS outing that will appeal to both casual and hardcore gamers, FFIVDS shouldn't be missed.

Mamma Mia!

Image obtained from IceTheSite.com without permission; any cease and desist orders should be forwarded to me via e-mail. My address is listed on this page, and I will immediately comply with any legitimate orders to remove the image from this page.

Until just a few hours ago, I'd had a very good day. They do these cool boat tours up in Sarasota (I say 'up' because I'm in Venice, south of Tampa, for the summer, rather than in college) where you get to see all kinds of bay area animals; dolphins, birds, fish and the like. It really made me appreciate Florida, since I often take living here for granted. It can be a fun state sometimes.

After that, I went to my aunt's condo and had pizza; Dominoes is hardly Claudio's or Ray's, but they're probably the best national pizza franchise at the very least. So that was good too.

Then, I saw Mamma Mia! (the movie) and my good day was ruined.

I'm not actually sure why I went to see it. I saw the touring production a few years ago and it was horrible. Maybe I was expecting this to be better? Maybe I just like seeing movies, and figured it couldn't be so bad that I wouldn't have a good time? Maybe I just missed Pierce Brosnan, since he isn't James Bond anymore?

In the end, who knows. The only thing I know for certain is that this is one of the worst pieces of trash to grace the silver screen in a very, very long time, and might be one of the worst movies in the history of cinema. (Think of it this way: I haven't reviewed something in how long? Months? This movie was so bad that I want to rip it to shreds more than I want to talk about the joys of New York City.)

I can't really pin the failure on any one thing because there was something wrong with everything. The casting, for instance was very strange. Meryl Streep, as my mother pointed out after the movie was over, is about twenty years too old for the part she played. Pierce Brosnan is a cool guy and a great actor, but he can't really sing, and it was painful to watch him try. I didn't care about Amanda Seyfried's Sophie (of course the part is quite shallow to begin with, so that's not entirely her fault). Everyone else was either just having fun or collecting a paycheck, but in the end, no one was truly emotionally invested in the film. Then again, the script is so terrible that I doubt anyone could be.

Ah, yes, the script. Of all the possible stories to weave around ABBA's numerous songs, why this one? The entirely depthless, Cinderella plot details valley girl wanna-be Sophie's quest to find out who her father is before her wedding to cliche'd dream-guy Sky (Dominic Cooper); her choices include Sam (Brosnan) and his comic-foil sidekicks Harry (Colin Firth) and Bill (Stellan Skarsgård). The incredibly predictable plot surpasses the so-bad-it's-good mark and just becomes bad all over again, which wouldn't be such a terrible thing if the cast (see above) had been, um, good.

The failings of this film, however, go far beyond the actors and the writing. Actually, my biggest issue was with Haris Zambarloukos' cinematography. I got more seasick watching Mamma Mia! than I did on the aforementioned boat tour. It seemed that every shot involved the camera spinning around, panning over, or doing some other incredibly distracting thing. Don't get me wrong-- Greece is a very beautiful place, but seeing it through Zambarloukos' vision was like watching it through the eyes of a stumbling drunkard.

Speaking of being drunk, the editors were on something when they were putting the movie together. The sloppy editing was a constant distraction, as if the camerwork and bad casting weren't distracting enough.

All right. Y'know what? I'm done with this. I don't have any more time to waste on this film. I'm gonna go do something more fun than think back on Mamma Mia!, like read the dictionary or paint my room with a toothbrush or something.

The Rundown
Cast: 1/10. There was one member of the ensemble who I thought was really funny. That was it.
Script: 0/10. It might've been of acceptable quality for, say, a Barbie direct-to-DVD film, but I can't imagine any other situation where that script would be considered good.
Cinematography: 0/10. Please, stop moving the camera! Just stop it!
Editing: 0/10. These guys didn't even care. Why should I?
Overall: .25/10. You probably won't even like it if you're an ABBA fan.

No review (sorry), but good news.

First of all, I'd like to apologize for my lack of activity. While I'm sure you five or six people that keep up with my blog are voraciously awaiting my next post, I'm afraid that I simply won't have the time to post anything until probably around the 23rd. I've taken a trip up north to New York City and Pennsylvania to go to my cousin's high school graduation (and eat lots of amazing food, and see a few Broadway shows, et cetera) so this is a rare moment for me, being on the computer like this.

What's the good news, you might ask? Well, this trip is giving me plenty of fodder for various reviews, since you guys don't really suggest anything too much. I've already been to the Met, seen Young Frankentstein, and I have two more shows lined up in addition to, I'm sure, several restaurants I'll be dining at as well. You can also expect a review of Delta Airlines, and, potentially, Penn Station's NY-Trenton line if I really start running out of stuff.

So, that's it for now. Check back during the week of the 23rd!

The Literary Works of Socialist Dolphins, and the Political Affiliations of Sea Creatures

Modified from an image posted on http://www.hitech-dolphin.com/image-files/dolphin-ocean-picture.jpg. Used without permission; any cease and desist orders or other similar legal papers should be forwarded to thebigniceguy@live.com. I will read and comply with any such e-mails.

This is a Review Request; trust me, I could not make this up. Thanks, Caleb!

I have a certain routine as I go about my day. I wake up (progressively later and later, but that's neither here nor there), brush my teeth, head out to the kitchen, pour myself some cereal and orange juice (today it was ginger ale; what can I say, I was feeling adventurous), and then check the news and my e-mail.

I've done all that today, and it went rather well. Or at least it did until I checked my e-mail, and I got the message that has led to this very review request. I'd put it up here for your enjoyment, but the Blogger.com post editor seems to have trouble with copying and pasting text today, so whatever.

To make a long story short, today I've been tasked with reviewing the literary works of Socialist dolphins, and to write a segment on the political affiliations of sea creatures.

Literature has long been a passion of mine, and as such, I was rather suprised to discover that there was an entire subsection of literature that I had never even heard of before. I figured I'd Google "the literary works of socialist dolphins" and see what came up. Here are the top five results:

• "THE LIBERAL MANIFESTO; ITS CONTENTS DISSAPOINTING TO THE WHIGS. THE EGYPTIAN BLUNDER ACKNOWLEDGED-- JUSTICE TO IRELAND BUT NOT DISUNION-- STEAMERS IN COLLISION." An article in the New York Times, and yes, that whole thing was capitalized. I still don't know what it means.
• "Great God Pan: The Western Reader Archives. Read all about some of my favorite West Coast Books, an undiscovered cournicopia of dolphins, gold miners, weed dealers, pirates and elves..." Sounds maybe interesting, but not particularly political or anti-shark.
• "An Elementary School Classroom in a Slum... Her books of poetry include Poems of Dedication (1946), The Edge of Being (1949), The Generous Days (1969), and Dolphins (1994)..." I got quite enough poetry in my Intro to Literature class, thanks.
• "For an English Republic: Worlds [sic] tallest man saves dolphins." British politics are apparently much more interesting than American politics, if some of these headlines are any indication.
• "JSTOR: The Place of 'Martin Salander' in Gottfried Keller's Evolution as a Prose Writer." Apparently you have to pay to read the rest of this article. Not that I really have any desire to.

Okay, so that didn't really work out. But what about the political affiliations of sea creatures? Well, as it turns out, Google didn't do much for me there either. I got a lot of links to how we can help save sea creatures by writing to our local congressmen but not much else. So here's what I think various sea creatures' political affiliations would be (and yes, I love bullet point lists):

• Dolphins: I've always figured that they'd be the sort of hippieish, free spirits of the oceans. They just want to have fun, maaaaan. They don't want the man puttin' them down, y'know?
• Sharks: If dolphin sentiment is alledgedly anti-shark (as I've learned from the e-mail Caleb sent me), then I suppose sharks would represent the more conservative side of things. They're for the war (if the undersea creatures are having one) and can't possibly play around like those stupid dolphins do when there's hunting to be done.
• Fish: These guys have got to be the moderates. They're eaten by both dolphins and sharks in the same way that moderates generally vote either one way or the other. I can't really think of fish as having a strong opinion, anyway.
• Octopi: The corrupted politicians of the ocean. They talk out of both sides of their wierd beak thing, and each of their eight tentacles is stuck in a different pie, so to speak. Though I guess it wouldn't be 'pie' in the ocean. What do octopi eat for desert?
• Walruses: The protestors. They park themselves in one place and don't move until they get what they want, whether it be more fish, less polar bears, or more representation in Undersea Parliment.

So, thanks again, Caleb, for this most interesting Review Request. Now, how on Earth am I gonna score this one...

The Rundown
UNSCOREABLE. I literally made most of that up just now. I can't give it a score. It was really fun to write, though.

The American Cockroach

While I was in college, I didn't really have to deal with bugs. Oh, sure, we had ants, but they're not really a big deal; just clean up after yourself and they'll realize that your dorm isn't a good place to score food. Even if they do come around, squish one under your thumb and the others'll soon realize that sticking around isn't the best idea.

Since I've come home, however, I've been dealing with, for me, the absolute worst kind of bug: the American cockroach, sometimes known as the palmetto bug. "Palmetto bug" is kind of a pretty name, though, so I'll be referring to them as cockroaches or roaches for the remainder of this review; we don't pull any punches here at Reviews of Everything Ever.

So, as I was saying, I've come home to a sort of cockroach infestation. Since my first night back, I have seen something like six or seven roaches and killed three or four of them. The exterminator came, only to inform us that, though the poison he'd used will be killing the roaches slowly, they'll be "crawling up the walls" trying to escape. Lovely. My most recent cockroach encounter, however, did not involve any sort of wall-crawling, fortunately. It was hardly an hour ago, in the bathroom. The thing scuttled beneath the sink and I haven't looked for it since.

What, you might ask, is my problem with cockroaches? Well, I have a few of them, actually. One is quite simply that they're not supposed to be in my house. It's almost a territorial instinct, left over from some evolutionary tract: this is my space, and you, Mr. Cockroach, are invading it. And I realize that there are plenty of other things, especially in a Florida house, that can wind up intruding: lizards, spiders, and what have you. The problem with roaches is that they're so much bigger than those other things. According to Wikipedia (which, I know, isn't a scholarly resource, but I'm not in school anymore), they can "grow to a length of 1" to [one and a half inches]." And they seem so wide, too, thanks to their broad exoskeleton and wings. I bet a lizard could fit inside the space a roach occupies just fine.

Another problem I have with them is that they're here to take my stuff. Eating my food, taking shelter in my house, drinking my water, using my space to store their eggs (oh, by the way, a female roach can have up to freaking 150 baby roaches!), et cetera. I like to think that, when it comes to a lot of other animal 'intruders', they're just kinda here by accident, and would rather be outside, given the chance. Not the roach. They're here to stay, since they're apparently incapable of building their own little shelter to keep warm in.

Yet another reason why I don't like roaches is that they don't really do anything other than hang around in peoples' houses. Unless I'm mistaken, the American cockroach doesn't really have any natural predators (other than my dog, who has eaten one or two on occasion, which is disgusting but whatever) so they don't contribute to the food chain, and the females don't pollinate or anything. So the most that could be said for them is that they contribute to the world's biodiversity, but why do they have to be so invasive while they do it?

Finally, they're just really creepy. I can't even pinpoint exactly what it is about roaches that makes them so wierd. All I know is that my mind starts setting off alarm bells as soon as I see one of the things. Maybe it's because their movement speed seems disproportionate to their size. Maybe it's because their black coloration and the almost mechanical way their legs work makes them seem soulless and robotic. Maybe it's the antennae. Who knows? In the end, they're just something that I want to get away from as soon as I get a glimpse of them. And I've been getting far too many glimpses lately.

The Rundown
Attractiveness: 0/10. Eww! Eww! Get the heck away from me!
Usefulness: 0/10. They eat my food, they stay at my house... They're like uninvited relatives, except really creepy and annoying!
Fun: 0/10. I personally cannot imagine any situation involving a cockroach being labeled "fun."
Respect for My Privacy: 0/10. My bathroom?! Are you serious?
Overall: 0/10. Well, I guess Windows Vista's customer service will be glad something scored lower than they did.

EDIT: By the way, the picture is public domain, hence the lack of legal jargon on the side.

The Samsung Blackjack

The sleek, highly-functional Samsung Blackjack. Mine looks quite like this, but it's red. Image obtained from CellPhoneDigest.net. Used without permission; any cease and desist orders or other legal requests should be forwarded to thebigniceguy@live.com. I will immediately respond to and comply with any such e-mails.

Before I begin my review, I would first like to apologize for missing the past three (four?) weeks of updates. Today is the last day of finals week here at USF, and I've been quite busy. As much as I love writing this blog, it does take a backseat to my academics.

Another thing I'd like to note is that my birthday was two days ago, and I am now nineteen. I tell you this not in the hopes of recieving any birthday accolades or gifts (believe me, I got enough Facebook birthday wall posts to last me for several years), but instead to say that for my nineteenth birthday, I recieved the very phone you see in the picture above this text-- unless you are blind; if that is the case, then I am very sorry because it's quite a good picture. This phone is called the Samsung Blackjack.

I suppose I should let you, the reader, know that my fascination with this phone comes partially from the fact that my past cell phone purchases have not exactly been all that flashy or recent. My last phone was a RAZR, and by that I mean the very first kind, and I can't even remember the model before that except to say that it didn't do much aside from call people. Which I'm perfectly fine with-- as a matter of fact, I used to scoff at people who bought phones very similar to the one I use now.

That, of course, was before I got mine. Now I simply can't stop messing with the thing-- it's almost like a miniature computer, complete with a Windows-based menu screen. (It even has a "Start" button like the one on the bottom-left of your desktop, unless you use a Mac or a Linux variant, in which case I am very sorry once again. If you are blind and you own a Mac, then I am very, very sorry.) Features on my Blackjack include cell phone standards such as text messaging and caller ID, but there are a number of features that I decidedly did not have on my RAZR:

• A calendar and a planner, that can remind me of appointments I've made.
• ActiveSync, which can "synchronize [my] device with a desktop computer," whatever that means; I haven't tested that out yet.
• The ability to access my e-mails and instant message people with AOL Instant Messenger, Windows Live Messenger, or Y! Messenger.
• A notepad.
• A task list which allows me to make note of things I need to do, and check them off when I've done them.
• A "smart converter," which can convert currency; length, weight, volume, and area measurements; and temperature.
• A world clock, which tells me what time it is all over the world.
• A suprisingly fast internet browser.
• A 2.0 megapixel camera, which is an upgrade from my RAZR though I'm not sure by how much.
• A PDF viewer.
• An RSS reader.

I could continue this list for several pages, but that would be a waste of both my and your time. Suffice it to say that the Blackjack has tons of useful features, and even the less-than-useful ones are still fun to mess around with.

The Blackjack also comes with a number of customization options, to make your phone feel a little more distinct. There are plenty of themes, wallpapers (of course, you can use any picture you've taken as a wallpaper in addition to the standard ones), and ringtones that come with the phone, and there's always the option to purchase new ones. If you get tired of what Samsung has to offer, you can also download themes and ringtones onto your phone from your computer, since the Blackjack can link up to any computer via USB.

Are there downsides to this awesome, awesome phone? Well, yes. For instance, while there's plenty of space to store songs on the phone, any ringtone can't be more than 300KB in size. Apparently the Blackjack is unable to simply select a 300KB portion of whatever song it is you want, though it shouldn't even have to do this, since the whole song is already on the phone anyway. Having to push three buttons to unlock the phone is also a little cumbersome, as is the fact that you have to hold down the lock button for several seconds before the phone will actually lock.

In the end, however, these minor nuances barely detract from the experience as a whole. Get a Blackjack if you can. It makes having a cell phone exciting again.

The Rundown
Style: 10/10. I'd get this phone again even if it were ugly; fortunately, however, it's very sleek and stylish.
Functionality: 10/10. Everything works just fine; the clarity I get with the camera is particularly impressive.
Ease of Use: 9/10. Unlocking and ringtone-setting are annoying; everything else is wonderful.
Extra Features: 10/10. Soooo many extra features...
Overall: 9.75/10. This phone makes even me want to organize and plan out my life. Impressive.

EDIT: As it turns out, I have a Samsung Blackjack II, so treat this post as a review of the Blackjack II, not the Blackjack.

Modern Protests as a Form of Social and Political Expression

Protesters do what they do best outside one of the Church of Scientology's churches. From News.com. Used without permission; any cease and desist orders should be sent to thebigniceguy@live.com. I will comply without fail to any such requests sent to me by representatives of either News.com or the Church of Scientology.

I am not a big fan of protests. Aside from the fact that, generally, I find them rather annoying (this is probably because they usually clash with my political beliefs), it also seems to me that, if they are not planned and executed correctly, they are largely ineffective as a means of political expression. In other words, if you're going to do a protest, you have to do it right.

The way I see it, there are various things you need if you are going to conduct a successful protest of any sort:

1. Leadership. Though Anonymous seems to be doing just fine without any identifiable leaders, it is generally a good idea to have someone to keep control, lest your protest dissolve into complete and utter chaos. Protests have the potential to be a good thing; riots, on the other hand, generally do not.
2. Legal counsel. While it can certainly be tempting (I suppose) to simply park your protest on the nearest street corner, there's a certain degree of red tape you might need to cut through if you don't want to get arrested for trespassing, disturbing the peace, or some other unpleasant ordinance. If charges are brought against you, it's a good thing to have someone to defend you in court.
3. Backup. By 'backup', I don't mean heavies with blackjacks and pistols. I mean verifiable, legitimate facts to back up the reason you're having a protest in the first place. It's all good and well if someone told you that ethical and moral injustices are being committed, but if you don't have proof, you'll simply be scoffed at by the news media, the world at large, your target, and me. (I find myself scoffing at a lot of protests these days.)
4. A narrow scope. The other day, I saw a group of students protesting religion as a whole. What they hoped to actually accomplish is beyond me, since they were targeting the majority of the entire world. If, on the other hand, they had targeted, say, Catholicism, and had brought up the scandals therein, their protest might have been a little more effective. (For the record, I personally have nothing whatsoever against Catholicism.)
5. A large scale. If you're going to protest something, you have to have a large and diverse audience with which to get your point across. Senators, CEOs and the like aren't going to pay attention to ten people waving a few banners in front of a local office. Make it big, and if you can't, then ask yourself why you can't. Are not enough people interested in your cause for it to be worthwhile?

In my experience, most protests don't have any of these things (except perhaps for leadership, but in most cases the leadership isn't very good). In fact, most of them seem random, disorganized, and just plain unprofessional. It is entirely possible to make your voice heard without resorting to gathering up as many people as you can and screaming at the walls of skyscrapers, while the executives behind those walls look down and laugh. If you genuinely want to make change, then you have to have more than passion and a few clever chants up your sleeves.

My verdict, then, is that modern protests are a largely ineffective method of social and political expression. After all, no matter what you're saying, no one will listen to you if you're just one of a ragtag group of anarchists, rebels, liberals, or whatever you are. Have some pride. Show some professionalism. Actually say something, for goodness' sake.

Otherwise, you're just another article on page D of the local paper.

EDIT: Oh, and for the record, Anonymous is doing a pretty good job. Just sayin'. I have no desire to face the combined wrath of all facets of the internet.

The Rundown
Organization: 4/10. Protests these days seem to be quite random and generally lack organization.
Outreach: 3/10. Aside from Cindy Sheehan, Anonymous, and a handful of others, most protestors don't really make even a temporary mark in the day's news.
Effectivenes: 3/10. Not much changes when a few people yell and shout outside for a few hours.
Legality: ?/10. Who knows what kind of representation protesters have?
Overall: 3.3x/10. For the record, x represents the '?' I gave protests in the Legality category.

Mini-Reviews of Everything Ever, Episode 1

I've been trying to think of something creative and awesome to review for this Friday, but nothing is coming to mind. So, instead of writing one big review about one thing, I've decided to write a bunch of three-word reviews about a bunch of different things. I finished sooner than I expected, so I'm posting it all now.

Without further ado, here's Mini-Reviews of Everything Ever, Episode I:

• Eugene O'Neill's Long Day's Journey Into Night: crazy Irish play (8/10)
• Star Trek: The Next Generation: space soap opera (6/10)
• Paris Hilton as a role-model for young girls: why even bother? (0/10)
• Online classes: too many distractions (6/10)
• John Steinbeck's body of work as an author: good, but old (8/10)
• Nobuo Uematsu's body of work as a composer: above video games (9/10)
• Monster Hunter 2 Freedom: wonderful except camera (8.5/10)
• Sweeny Todd's cinema adaptation: Tim Burton's masterpiece (9/10)
• The general architectural theme of city of Venice, Florida: gaudy and mismatched (4/10)
• Super Smash Bros. Brawl: hype was true! (9/10)
• Post-modern literature: really, really dumb (2/10)
• Heavy rain: kills people, laptops (4/10)
• Length requirements/restrictions on school papers: limits quality, creativity (4/10)
• Alarm clocks: love/hate relationship (7/10)

There's more, but I did this on another site first and my clipboard isn't working for some reason; didn't feel like rewriting it. You can find the rest here.

God of War: Chains of Olympus

Generally, I'm not a fan of modern beat-em-ups; I liked the Streets of Rage series for the Sega Genesis but that's about where my fascination with fighting hordes of the same bad guys ended. That said, I've always been a fan of the God of War games because I feel that the break the cycle and introduce new elements to make their games interesting. While Chains of Olympus is nowhere near as ground-breaking as its predecessors, it does what it does really well, and looks graphically incredible while doing so, truly pushing the PSP to its limits.

As I just said, this game is fiiiiine-looking. I've always known that the PSP is capable of some pretty incredible stuff (for a handheld), but I never could've imagined a PSP game with this much attention to detail, textures and animations this smooth, and character-models this... un-polygonal, I suppose? CG cutscenes are done with an interestng-but-effective combination of 3D models (usually just Kratos and whoever he's talking to) and 2D "cardboard cutouts", as it were, of such things as soldiers and townspeople. There's blood aplenty, and it often suprises me how steady the framerate stays despite the constant flow of the stuff along with the red aftertrails of Kratos' signature weapons, the Blades of Chaos.

Speaking of weapons, you'll find plenty of additions to your already-formidable movelist to keep gameplay fresh. Aside from simply finding new weapons and magic spells (Efreet is my favorite spell; you'll see why if you buy the game), you can also upgrade your existing weapons and abilities with Red Orbs which are dropped by defeated enemies and found in treasure chests. Even weapons and abilities that initially seem useless can become quite deadly once you've got several new moves to try out on the next unfortunate Persian soldier that gets in your way.

Sound quality is wonderful. Everything, from massive explosions to the brutal sounds of swords piercing armor and flesh, is spot on. What's more, the voice acting is quite good-- Linda Hunt as the narrator, in particular, really helps draw the player into the game, and T. C. Carson is effectively moody and vengeful as Kratos.

Unfortunately, this awesome-sounding package does come with a few hitches. Rather than attempting to cut off pathways with in-game obstacles, the developers instead chose to use invisible walls ad-nauseum. What's more, the in-game obstacles that are used seem rather cheap; a satyr bombarding me with what are effectively Molotov cocktails every time I try to open a door is more annoying than it is effective.

Despite its flaws, God of War: Chains of Olympus is still a wonderful gem of a game, and a must-have if you're looking to bolster your PSP library.

The Rundown
Graphics: 10/10. There hasn't been a game that looks this good on any handheld system to date.
Audio: 10/10. Realistic sounds, accompanied by good voice-acting? Doesn't get much better.
Controls: 10/10. You'll be destroying entire armies with relative ease before you know it.
Gameplay: 8.0/10. Overuse of invisible walls and annoying obstacles got on my nerves.
Overall: 9/10. Buy it. Seriously. You will not regret it.

Oxygen

Another review request. Thanks to gameandwatch9!

Before I start this review, let me get a few administrative things out of the way:

• I now post a new review once a week, generally every Friday, so now you'll know when to check this site. (I might do some reviews in between, though, so don't forget to check the archives.)
• My inbox is awfully empty. Keep sending in those review requests! The e-mail address you should send them to is on the right-hand side of the blog, under "About Me", I think.
• Edit: Anonymous users can now post comments! Post away!

Okay, good. Now, onward to oxygen. Incidentally, by oxygen, I do not mean the television channel. I mean the stuff you breathe in order to live.

This is actually one of the harder reviews I've done so far. You see, even though I've been breathing in oxygen my whole life (and hopefully, so have you), it's not really something I actively think about. In fact, it happens pretty much automatically; I can stop breathing if I want to (though I wouldn't really recommend doing that), but if I'm not actively trying to stop myself, my lungs basically do their own thing. All the better for me, I suppose; the less work I have to do on top of college, the better.

Now that I do think about oxygen, however, it seems to me that our dependence on it is quite annoying. Think about all the things we can't do without assistance because we're so oxygen-dependant: scuba-diving, snorkeling, spelunking, and space exploration all require some form of oxygen tank or method of obtaining oxygen. Wouldn't all those things be so much more fun if we didn't have unwieldy stuff strapped to ourselves the entire time?

What's more, we are constantly threatened by dangers such as carbon-monoxide poisoning and lung damage because we breathe in order to absorb oxygen. How many movies have you seen where some sort of deadly gas is being released into a room or a car or something, and the protagonist is racing against time to thwart the villain because he'll eventually have to breathe in? Our potential vulnerability due to this weakness has even caused certain security companies to create carbon-monoxide monitors, which we then have to buy in order to be safe, wasting precious money that could be used on a myriad other things if we didn't need oxygen so badly.

That said, there are benefits to oxygen, and the benefits far outweigh any minor inconveniences. The thing that immediately comes to mind for me is fire, or, more specifically, burning things. Think back, for a moment, to science class: I assume that at some point your teacher did the experiment where you use a vacuum pump to suck the oxygen out of a glass jar with a candle inside? The candle goes out because there's no oxygen in the jar; in a sense, fire is as dependant on oxygen as we are.

When you think about it, a lot of what we do involves using fire to heat or burn things at some point or another. When I cook, for instance, I must light a fire. What would happen to the culinary industry if oxygen wasn't there to help start the fire? (Actually, I'd probably be eating a lot more sushi, which would be awesome and a good deal healthier than my current diet, but that's neither here nor there.) Another example is power. My laptop is currently connected by a power cord to a surge protector, which is connected to the wall, and, eventually, links up with whatever power plant supplies energy to my college's residence halls. I'm fairly certain that said power plant generates electricity by burning something, though I'm not sure specifically what.

In retrospect, I suppose oxygen is something like a double-edged sword. While our need for it can often be frustrating, it makes life a little more livable at the same time.

The Rundown
Convenience: 6/10. We can find oxygen in most places we need to go, but for extra exploration, special gear is needed. Also, oxygen makes things rust, which isn't convenient at all.
Necessity: 10/10. We need it to live. Can't get by without it.
Helpfulness: 10/10. Cooking food, combustion engines, and certain kinds of power plants wouldn't be possible without fire, which, in turn, wouldn't be possible without oxygen.
Ease of Absorption: 10/10. Like I said, it pretty much just happens.
Overall: 9/10. Yep. Oxygen's pretty sweet.

Microsoft's Windows Vista Customer Service Website and Policy

I'll be the first to admit that this post is as much a personal vendetta as it is a review. I am frustrated about this topic, and I feel that this website is the most adequate way to both vent to and inform my readers about the dangers of buying a computer with Windows Vista installed on it-- or, more specifically, perhaps, the dangers of not carefully reading fine print.

First of all, let me clear something up. Aside from a few problems that probably wouldn't bother the average computer-user, I generally like Windows Vista. In particular, I think the redesigned user interface is both aesthetically pleasing and more efficient than that of Windows XP, or any prior Windows UI for that matter. (Dating back to Windows 95, that is; that was the first time I personally had used anything other than DOS.) As long as you plan on buying and using current, mass-marketed software, you'll be perfectly happy with Vista.

However, as you'll have noticed if you read the large, bold print above this review, it is not Windows Vista itself that I am crusading against. It is Microsoft's incredibly lacking and generally idiotic customer service policy concerning Vista.

The problems I've had that require customer service have generally dealt with compatibility. As I said earlier, this won't be a problem at all as long as the software you're using is fairly current (and, therefore, probably designed with Vista in mind). I, however, have several older programs that I rely on that haven't worked so well on Vista, and have, therefore, had to contact (or attempt to contact, but I'll get to that later) Microsoft's customer service department several times.

Before I continue, let me say that I consider myself a decent composer (of music, that is). However, I have fairly limited knowledge of musical theory, and I therefore rely on a certain program (Anvil Studio, which is an excellent little gem of a program that you can find easily enough by using a search engine) in order to write whatever songs may pop into my head. Before I owned the computer I am currently using, I ran Anvil Studio on Windows XP with great success. When I got my new computer, one of the first things I did was install Anvil.

Unfortunately, however, the program didn't run so well. I'd manage to keep it open for around twenty seconds or so before it would freeze and subsequently crash my computer. Frustrated, I went to the Vista customer service site and initiated a chatroom conversation with one of the representatives. While I do not have a record of what was said, I distinctly remember that it was immediately suggested that I downgrade to Windows XP if I wanted to run the program. No matter how many times I spoke to the person, I was repeatedly referred to another department where they could instruct me on how to remove Vista from my computer.

I, however, had just paid for Vista. I didn't want to remove it, I wanted it to work. Therefore, I instead contacted the support people over at the Anvil Studio website. They fixed my problem in a quick and expedient manner, and, while Anvil still doesn't run as well on Vista, it no longer crashes.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid that that was merely the first in a string of apparently unresolvable compatibility problems I've since encountered-- once again, all with rather dated software, mind you. It is, however, the most recent issue that has vexed me the most, and which was the catalyst that led to me writing what I write now.

I do not just write music for the sake of writing it. I also consider myself an amateur computer game designer, although I'm not nearly as skilled in that as I am in music composition. (Incidentally, it is worth noting here that all the songs I write are in midi format; that is, all the sound is generated from the computer's sound card.) I often use the songs I write in the games I create; I find it more convenient than having to obtain permission from someone else.

Ever since switching to Vista, I've noticed that my games have occasionally been plagued by severe slowdown that gradually fades away the more I play. Initially, I assumed that it was the software I used to create the games, but I eventually discovered a connection between the complexity of the midi I was using and the slowdown affecting the games. (In other words, the more complicated the song, the worse the game would perform.)

Figuring that the problem had to do with my computer's ability to play the songs rather than the game-making software, I decided to check and see whether or not other people were suffering from the same issue. It didn't take too much forum-scanning to realize that anyone who worked with midi music on Vista seemed to be having similar troubles; apparently, the technical lingo for it is 'clock drift', though I'm still not precisely sure what that means.

At any rate, with some additional searching, I managed to find the source of my woes. Apparently, "[t]his problem occurs because the Dmusic.sys file was removed in Windows Vista." (http://support.microsoft.com/kb/943253; italics mine.) The webpage goes on to say, essentially, that Dmusic.sys is basically integral to properly playing back midis, and that when it was removed, they didn't add a replacement. Why they removed said file is beyond me.

Fortunately, however, the support site also provided a hotfix. Unfortunately, when I installed said hotfix, it didn't actually do anything, near as I can tell. So I decided to go back to the support page, intent on sending an e-mail requesting an explanation-- after all, I could've somehow installed it wrong.

I never did find out whether or not it was my fault.

Why, you might ask?

As it turns out, I only recieve "no-charge support" for the first ninety days after I've bought my computer. After that, any phone call, e-mail, or chat with a customer service rep I have costs me.

How much, you might also ask?

$59.00, "plus total applicable taxes per support request." (http://support.microsoft.com/oas/default.aspx?ln=en-us&prid=10295&gprid=436647.)

Maybe you didn't quite let that sink in; I'll say it again:

It costs me $59 to ask Microsoft a question.

A question.

I found that to be a little absurd, personally.

So absurd, in fact, that I spent the next few hours researching different possible versions of Linux to install on this computer instead of Vista, just to see whether or not their support website was any better than Microsoft's.

Once again, let me reiterate: I still generally like Windows Vista as an OS. I think it has a lot of potential. That said, I would not reccomend tht you buy it unless you absolutely have to until they work out all the bugs. If you do wind up having to buy it, make sure you report even the smallest complaints to customer service.

If you don't, it'll come back to haunt you.

The Rundown
Ease of Use: 1/10. It took far too long to find the hotfix I'd been looking for. In fact, it took far too long to find just about everything I've ever looked for on Microsoft's support website.
Confidence: 0/10. If the support reps aren't confident enough to reccomend sticking with their own product, why should I?
Cost: 0/10. Simple support via e-mail should be free. I doubt Bill Gates is hard-up for money.
Effectiveness: 0/10. The one thing they sent me to fix my problem didn't even work.
Overall: .25/10. Congratulations! This support service has just become my lowest-scoring review so far!

The Degeneration of the English Language Through Online Mediums of Communication and Social Networking (AIM, Facebook, MySpace, Et Cetera)

This is my first-ever Review Request. My thanks to Cathleen and Jack Francis!

dere is a prblm w/da english lang 2day

the prblm iz dat ppl r lazee

kk so ill b the 1st 2 admit taht txt msging cn tak3 a long tiem

but srsly, wtf dudes? omg i shuld at l3st be abel 2 undrstnd u

& wut iz all dis cr4p abut intarwebz slang shiwing up n aka acca skool pap3rz?

itz absurd lol

brb sandwch tiem

kk back

at ne rate, dis stuf haz to st0p

iz anoying n it makes u look stoopid rofl

it takes moar efort 4 me 2 type liek dis den it does 4 me 2 type normal

So, seriously, start attending English class. And maybe read a few books. It'll be worth your time.

The Rundown
Clarity: 0/10. liek i cant uindrstnd u
Convenience: 2/10. fstr 4 a cell phn but not 4 comp
Professionalism: 0/10. sendin a letr writn liek dis 2 ur boss or ur teachr is not a gud idea
Appeal: 0/10. as sun as i see dis t3h convrs4tin haz no meening
Overall: 0.5/10. liek omg

Being Sick

I currently have a rather bad cold. The achy, sneezy, sore-throat-y, stuffy kind. As a consequence, I have essentially been lying in bed, doing absolutely nothing all day. Only just now did I think to comment on my illness and why it isn't any fun at all; perhaps it'll help me get it out of my system.

Being sick is something of a double-edged sword: there are benefits, but there are also major consequences, and I'm afraid that the latter edge is much longer, sharper, and more deadly than the former. Getting sick, for instances, gives you an excuse to not go to class (or work, in some of my readers' cases); however, all the work you missed out on will be waiting for you when you get back. While it is nice to have a temporary vacation, I have now missed three classes thanks to this illness. One of them is three hours long and meets only once a week, so I'll be scrambling to obtain the notes from my fellow classmates before next time. Another is science-- one of my weaknesses, as it were. Not having the biology of humans explained to me by my biology of humans professor will be a severe handicap during the next quiz. Besides, is it really a vacation when you spend it sneezing, blowing your nose, sleeping fitfully, and wishing that you were at your classes?

Another benefit is that you're not really expected to do anything when you're sick; in fact, you can often get people to do things for you. Side-effects, however, include feeling useless, frustrating your friends and relatives, and not really having a choice in the matter anyway-- in my instance, I really can't do anything, so being able to potentially have my roommate fetch me a sandwich (no matter how satisfying that would be under normal circumstances) doesn't have quite the same appeal.

When you're sick, it's often a good idea to repeatedly rehydrate yourself. In my case, this means being able to drink all the water, sports drinks, and soda that I like. The downside to this is that... well... I'm tired of drinking. I'm on something like my fifteenth glass of water, and I've never found taking another sip to be a more unappealing option than I do now. Especially since I have to run to the bathroom after every few drinks, which means exerting more effort than I'd care to, which means getting more tired, which means drinking more...

So, yeah. All in all, being sick just isn't fun. The bad far outweighs the good in most circumstances, and for every potential benefit, there's always a consequence waiting around the corner.

The Rundown
Convenience: 1/10. Unless you need an excuse to avoid a funeral or something, getting sick is definitely an inconvenience.
Fun Factor: 1/10. The fun of being able to lay around in bed and do nothing fades very quickly.
Appeal: 0/10. The idea of coughing, sneezing, constantly blowing my nose, aching all over, and not being able to stand up straight is not an appealing one under any circumstances.
Usefulness: 0/10. In my current state, I am not capable of doing much.
Overall: 0.5/10. Wash your hands. Take your vitamins. Eat your veggies. Do whatever it takes to avoid getting sick like I am.

Update: Since yesterday, I have missed four classes thanks to my cold, which is better today but not completely gone.

MTV's Current Programming Block

So, apparently, MTV used to rock. They took their name-- Music Television-- seriously, in that the channel was entirely devoted to music, 24/7. No The Hills, no A Shot at Love, and (this is the best part) no Life of Ryan.

Now, however, those are just three of the multiple idiotic reality TV shows that seem to encompass the entirety of MTV's programming. I'm not sure what happened between MTV's inception and its present form, but it definitely does not rock any more.

As I've said before, I live with a mostly-tolerable roommate. However, one irksome thing about living with him is that the TV is constantly on, and usually tuned into MTV. As such, I have been subjected to more of that channel's shows than I'd ever wanted to be-- which was not much. While I could review the channel as a whole, I think it might be easier to do it show by show, with the ones that I've seen the most.

The Hills
I still am not even sure what this show is actually about. I think the premise is that we watch Lauren, the show's 'protagonist,' attempt to rise up in her job at Teen Vogue magazine whilst dealing with the difficulties of keeping several backstabbing faux-friends. The show mostly focuses on the latter, however, so that all we get is a confusing mix'n'match of arguments, break-ups and make-ups.

As if the show's very subject matter wasn't bad enough, it is apparently scripted (http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20060530/news_lz1c30hills.html), which makes me wonder why anyone cares at all, as I'm sure the show's viewing demographic mostly consists of reality TV fans. This essentially downgrades (or does it upgrade?) the show to soap-opera status, save with worse actors and even lower production values.

In short: watching this show will melt your brain.

Life of Ryan
Someone: Ryan, you should/need to do X.

Ryan: But I don't want to do X! Whine whine whine people don't appreciate how much work I do whine whine whine...

The above is an accurate summary of every episode of Life of Ryan that has ever aired. The only redeeming quality I can see as far as this show is concerned is that the 'star,' pro skateboarder Ryan Sheckler, is incredibly easy to make fun of. Despite being just a little younger than I am, he has the maturity of a seven-year-old, literally crying when he doesn't get his way. I might have pity for him if he wasn't, at times, remarkably insensitive, and generally a jerk.

Unfortunately, he does seem to be a genuinely good skateboarder, so I can't fault him there. That said, if I owned a skate park, I wouldn't let him in.

He'd probably cry about it.

Rob and Big
All right, I'll give in. I actually like this show a lot. It follows the life and antics of another immature skateboarder (Rob Dyrdek) and his equally immature best friend/bodyguard (Christopher "Big Black" Boykin). The difference between this show and Life of Ryan is that Rob and Big are happy. Rob is apparently quite wealthy but obviously has no idea what to do with his money, so he and Big do... well, they do whatever they want.

Every show is an adventure: quests undertaken so far by the dynamic duo include entering their mini-horse (apparently an impulse buy) into a mini-horse contest, breaking multiple Guinness World Records in both the skateboarding and speed-eating categories, and filming/producing an entire rap video using the alias "Bobby Light." (Here's the video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=VucGM7S_Ztw.)

However, while I do like the show, Rob and Big is still not music. If they changed their name to Reality Television, I wouldn't care-- it's the fact that they continue to masquerade as something they aren't that bothers me.

So here's a message to MTV, from me: change your name, or change your programming. If you aren't going to be entertaining, then at least be honest.

The Rundown
Variety: 2/10. On some level, the shows on MTV are essentially all the same idea with different people.
Entertainment Value: 5/10. Rob and Big is hilarious. Everything else is quite boring.
Intelligence: 0/10. Like, oooooohhh my Gawd. I, like, have no brains?
Honesty: 3/10. Gets points for TRL, but American Idol is as much reality as it is music.
Overall: 2.5/10. Generally abysmal. Don't watch it-- maybe it'll send a message to the execs.

Review Request Service

Because my style of exactly what I review and when I review it could be viewed as an inconvenience to some, I've decided to open up a new e-mail account where you can request something you'd like me to review. Your request can literally be anything, but I'll review what is most feasable for me at the time both monetarily and in terms of location. (I live in Florida; asking me to review a comic book store in Nebraska wouldn't be a good idea.)

So, if you're unsure about something, or simply wish to know my opinion, and would like me to post a review, send a request to thebigniceguy@live.com. Make the subject "Review Request" so I know it isn't spam. I'll either credit you as the suggester with your e-mail address, or by your name or nickname if you supply it in the e-mail. Who knows-- maybe you'll get lucky, and your name will appear on my blog!

The Rundown
Ease of Use: 10/10. Seriously; just send me an e-mail.
Fun Factor: 10/10. Just think-- your request could be immortalized on the internet.
Awesomeness: 10/10. You can't tell me this isn't awesome.
Overall: 10/10. Do it!

Living With Seven Other Guys

This, as you may have figured out, is not a movie, video game, restaurant, play, musical, or anything of that ilk. It is simply a situation in which you should never find yourself. Avoid it at all costs.

My experience with housing at the university I currently attend has not been a very good one-- though I like the school itself well enough. Due to, admittedly, a late request for an apartment-style dorm on my part, I have been living in Kappa Hall with six suite-mates and one roommate since something like August or September of last year. I (obviously) share a room with my roommate, a common room with two of my suite-mates, and a bathroom (one shower, two stalls and two sinks) with everyone else.

None of these situations are particularly ideal. While I was fortunately assigned to a generally-bearable roommate, I still essentially have no privacy no matter where I go. My roommate, who shall remain nameless, is generally in the room whenever I am, surfing the 'net, talking (on the phone) to his girlfriend, watching TV, or studying-- sometimes a combination of all four; TV is usually in the mix somehow. What with eight people sharing a bathroom, there's bound to be someone in there at the same time as you, whether they're taking a shower, shaving, or in the other stall.

The walls are, somehow, either incredibly thin or porous: sound waves seem to ignore them entirely. One of my suite-mates likes gospel music, and another likes rap; they both live on either side of me, so I often get a kind of fusion of the two in my own room. I've taken to blasting heavy metal and techno on my headphones just to block out the constant mish-mash.

I find myself frequenting the dining halls, the library, the study hall-- anywhere I can go to get some alone time. Isn't it kind of strange that my idea of 'alone time' has become sitting by myself in an area with tons of other people in it? It's almost a perversion of the idea of privacy: I flee my home, instead of returning to it, in search of solitude.

Don't get me wrong-- I'm not knocking the idea of living on-campus entirely. Just try and get a room to yourself. It'll be so worth it.

The Rundown
Privacy: 1/10. Sometimes, my roomate isn't here. Most of the time, though, I have no time to myself.
Fun: 5/10. Sometimes, I'm in the mood to play Halo, shoot hoops, pull pranks, and other things that accompany stuffing a lot of guys into one suite. Most of the time, however, I am not in the mood.
Convenience: 1/10. One shower? Oh, come on.
Overall: 2.5/10. Rent an apartment if you have to. Don't wind up in my situation.

Bushido

No, not Bushido Blade-- this isn't a video game review. It is, in fact, a review of a wonderful little Japanese restaurant in Venice, Florida that I sincerely hope manages to stay in business.

When I'd first heard that a Japanese place was being opened up on Venice Avenue, I practically jumped for joy; if nothing else, it would at least save me a twenty-minute drive up to Taste of Tokyo, another excellent, similarly-themed restaurant in Sarasota. At the time, I had no idea whether or not the place would actually be any good; I had simply just discovered my love for sushi and wanted to try more.

The decor of Bushido seems to clash violently with everything that I've come to know Venice to be; in this case, a good thing, as I've come to know Venice as a town that is thoroughly stuck in its ways, as unchanging as the faces of Mt. Rushmore. The vibrant-yet-not-gaudy colors and subtle, Asian twist to everything from the furniture to the various ornaments hanging from the ceiling (including an initially alarming pufferfish) seem to advertise, if not a good time, at least a very different one from Venice's typical offerings.

Service was brisk yet friendly and inviting; our waitress promptly seated us, brought out drinks, and took our orders: I had the California, avocado, and tuna rolls, a bowl of edamame, and a bowl of chicken fried rice. (I didn't eat all of it; we were a party of six.) The edamame came first: warm, soft, and lightly salted soybeans. I also had a sampling of my aunt's gyoza (a sort of pork dumpling, drizzled in lemon) which was just as excellent, though I knew that the sushi was being prepped by the sushi chef; as such, I remained somewhat guarded even as I munched on the edamame and sipped away at my soda, which was always refilled right when I ran out.

Then, the wait.

The only truly negative thing I have to report about my experience at Bushido is that the sushi took an awfully long time to get to our table. Granted, we had ordered an awful lot of it, but all the same-- it seemed ages (and many refilled Coca Cola glasses) until the main course was finally set down in front of us.

I have eaten a lot of food in my life-- a lot of very good food. I practically grew up in the restaurant my father managed when we lived in New York City, and I've been gradually expanding my dining experiences ever since.

That said, Bushido was the first sushi I've ever eaten that made me audibly moan and shiver with pleasure. All the ingredients seemed to be perfectly proportioned and rolled, so that they seemed to become one single, delicious slice of Heaven in my mouth. The avocado was especially delicious; even now, days later, the sheer thought of it makes my mouth water. The ginger that came with the sushi seemed almost shockingly fresh, and it seemed that, no matter what proportions of soy sauce to wasabi paste I used, I could do no wrong-- the sushi was far too perfect to possibly be driven to imperfection by such petty nuances.

Midway through the sushi, my chicken fried rice arrived-- somehow, a perfect compliment to the rest of the meal. Succulent, well-seasoned chicken resting on a soft pillow of fluffy fried rice, just waiting to be devoured. By the time I had finished everything, I was so full that the thought of even getting up to drive home was a painful one. But it was so worth it.

If you happen to be in Venice, go to Bushido. Order whatever you want-- chances are it'll be a wonderful experience, and certainly something you never expected to find there.

The Rundown
Decor: 10/10. Beautiful, and very distinct.
Service: 8/10. The waitress was fine, but the food didn't quite get out as quickly as I'd have liked.
Food: 10/10. Oh my God. Go. Now.
Overall: 9.5. The sushi... the suuuushi...

Silent Hill: Origins

For me, this game was a very spur-of-the-moment buy. I was in the mall with my brother and a friend, and we decided to stop by Gamestop. He bought the new Contra for the DS, and, deciding that I might as well get something too, I looked over at the PSP section, wanting to get a game and expand my miniscule PSP library. I searched about fruitlessly, and, just as I was turning around-- I saw it.

Silent Hill: Origins.

My experience with the Silent Hill series, has, until now, been a very brief one; not because the games are bad by any stretch of the imagination-- in fact, they're too good. I consider myself a survival/horror fan, but I've never gotten too into any of the SH games just because they're too creepy. After attempting to play SH3, I found myself avoiding mirrors, checking behind shower curtains, and hiding under the covers before I went to sleep. In real life, mind you. And from what I've heard, the third outing in the series was the weakest of the bunch.

Well, let me tell you-- in the thrills department, SH: O still doesn't dissapoint. In the right atmosphere (the game actually flashes a warning screen that reccomends playing in the dark, with headphones on), this game can score some serious jump-out-of-your-seat moments. SH: O utilizes an admittedly cliche'd mechanic of allowing you to travel into a strange, alternate universe via mirrors-- this creepier, "other world" is where the stronger monsters call home, and I actually found myself fruitlessly trying to solve puzzles in the normal world, knowing I had to change worlds in order to progress but dreading actually doing the deed.

Adding to the scare factor is the combat system-- ammo for guns is limited, and, as such, you'll often find yourself relying on the game's wealth of melee weapons: throughout your stay in Silent Hill, you'll find yourself bashing enemies with everything from wooden planks and meat hooks to toasters and televisions. Having to get in close to the monstrosities that roam both the 'light' and 'dark' worlds adds an incredible tension to the game, and causes you to often find yourself in Resident Evil 4-style, button mashing minigames in order to escape your adversaries' clutches.

I've always been impressed with the PSP's graphical capabilities, but SH: O puts the rest of the system's titles to shame. The normal world is clean, steryl, and covered in an enemy-obscuring mist, while the Other World is rusty, ruined, and almost pitch-black. Character models are suprisingly detailed, and enemies are as bloody, slimy, and gruesome as ever.

While the sounds and music of the game are appropriately eerie, the voice acting leaves something to be desired. I don't really feel any empathy for the game's trucker/protagonist, Travis, nor do I feel that any of the rest of the game's frightening posse are particularly believable. The voices also seem to be rather quieter than the rest of the game's sounds-- fortunately, an optional subtitle feature means that you won't miss a word anyway.

Another gripe is the controls: they're kinda lame, and you can't change them. I say "kinda lame" because they're more inconvenient than bad-- I always try to push triangle to open the menu, but the map opens instead. You hold down square to run, which just feels odd no matter how many times I've done it, and, rather than being able to fully adjust the camera, you can only push L to change it to whatever direction Travis is facing.

Ah, yes-- the camera. Easily my least favorite aspect of the game. Sometimes, it'll lock in place a la Resident Evil: Code Veronica, and others, it'll essentially do whatever it pleases. It seems that no matter how many times I try to adjust the camera, it always winds up in whatever the least convenient position is. This is especially true in small hallways and corridors, and there are a lot of those in Origins; generally, I'll find that the camera has somehow wound up against the ceiling, facing me, leaving me entirely helpless as posessed nurses and demonic who-knows-whats scratch, claw, and bite at me.

Negatives aside, though, Silent Hill: Origins is a mostly-excellent game, and will be especially appreciated by the survival/horror crowd. What it lacks in convenience and acting prowess it more than makes up for in thrills, chills, and more than a few sleep-with-the-lights-on nights.

The Rundown
Graphics: 10/10. Very impressive.
Audio: 8/10. Lost two points for generally abysmal voice acting.
Controls: 5/10. Not very convenient, and the camera is terrible.
Gameplay: 9/10. The mix of tense, close-quarters combat and puzzle-solving is quite addicting.
Overall: 8/10. Worth a buy if you like getting the pants scared off of you, and can tolerate a few technical hitches.

In the beginning...

Hey, there. I'm Sean Francis, alias Chief, alias The Big Nice Guy, alias The Human Brick Wall, et cetera, et cetera. A not-so-long time ago in a galaxy we're in right now, I wanted to be a theatre critic. I haven't exactly been chasing that dream lately, so I made this blog, where I will essentially be reviewing... everything.

Well, not 'everything' per se, but at least anything that I've recently bought/seen/listened to/experienced and feel like reviewing. I'll give scores out of 10, maybe adding subscores for different categories if I feel like being super-specific.

Sometimes, though, I just don't feel like reviewing things. Sometimes I'll feel like blogging about things that are more... philisophical in nature. When I'm feeling this way, I'll post over at Jon's blog: http://www.somebodysfetish.net.

At any rate, if you've only just stumbled upon this website, feel free to continue visiting as I steadily post more and more reviews... of everything, ever.